A Peg Leg Would Be Cheaper
Written by Rebecca Saltzman / Illustration by Ellen Lindner
In January, I tore my calf muscle. I tried ignoring it for a month and hobbling through the pain, but, surprisingly, this was unhelpful. In February, I called my PCP for a referral and finally ended up with an appointment at Prestigious University Sports Medicine in March. The doctor did an ultrasound of my leg and showed me a black void inside my calf muscle, which was actually a pocket of blood. Gross.
In April, I returned to the sports doctor. Despite the treatment regimen I had been (mostly) following of physical therapy, heat, and meloxicam, my leg was still weak and painful, and I was contemplating replacing the entire limb with a wooden peg.
Another ultrasound showed my hematoma—that pocket of blood—was still lurking in my muscle, unchanged.
“Well, we have some other interventional treatments we can try,” said my doctor, who claims to be an adult that went to medical school, but would not look out of place in this year’s Temple B’rith Kodesh bar mitzvah class.
“Sure!” I said, because I want people to think I am fun and adventurous.
The first option was to aim acoustic waves at my injury to stimulate better healing. The second one was to take some of my blood, spin it around in a centrifuge to create platelet-rich plasma, and then inject it into the hematoma in my leg. I liked the absurdity of this one--filling my pocket of blood with more blood, so that the old blood and the new blood could fight to the death. A microscopic siege of platelets laying waste to the red blood cells of Castle Hematoma.
“The only thing is,” he added, “they aren’t covered by insurance.”
Fun and Adventurous Rebecca was immediately replaced by my true self: Grumpy and Cheap.
“How much do these cost?” I asked.
“$200 a session for the acoustic wave therapy.”
I have three kids—if I need my leg bombarded with sound, I can just go in my own living room for free.
“And the blood one?”
“We charge $950 for that.”
“Hmm, no thanks,” I said, wondering where I could find a carpenter or pirate to carve me that wooden peg.
This post was written by Rebecca Saltzman (@rebeccalsaltzman) and illustrated by Ellen Lindner (@ellenlindna).